Let’s start with Vision Quest, the homoerotic journey of a wrestler and his balls trying to beat the 3-time state champ from a rival high school. There must be about 45 shots of “packages” in the climatic wrestling match alone (seriously, are high school wrestlers barred from wearing underwear? Is that in the rulebook? Is there a competitive advantage to going commando?). I can’t get the images out of my head. There were balls everywhere. Everyone in the room watching the movie was either doubled-over laughing, or had a blank, “I can’t believe this is happening / Are we really watching this?” expression on their face. If only the attention put into the ball shots went into character development. We learn the main character’s best friend is an American Indian, then we learn he’s just pretending to be an American Indian (who knows why?), then we learn the fake American Indian’s dad is a drunk, all in about a 45-second period. None of these topics is ever brought up again for the rest of the movie. Well done.

As for Casino Royale, in a climatic torture scene, James Bond has his balls repeatedly whipped with what can only be described as an anatomically-correct dildo attached to a long rope. I really didn’t see that one coming. I guess in an attempt to make the James Bond series, “more realistic” the filmmakers decided to trade “comically-easy-to-escape situations”  for “borderline S&M ball-whipping scenes”. I’m not so sure that was a trade up. Do we really want to watch James Bond sit though an extended ball-rehab while his love-interest has to wait for him to recover (and yes, this actually happens in the movie)? Well, anyway, after sitting through Vision Quest, the ball jokes were flying from all angles, and this scene just couldn’t be taken seriously.

Okay, I’m gonna go gouge my eyes out (and put on a cup, because apparantly, you never know what might happen).