OneManOneCity - Musings from the Center of the Universe

OneManOneCity - Musings from the Center of the Universe

Archive for January, 2009

Almost decapitated on the subway

Sunday, January 25th, 2009

I was taking the subway to work on Friday,  and i had a few bags with me for the weekend (it’s always an enjoyable experience lugging bags on the subway like an urban mule) . The F train (my daily train) pulled in as I stepped onto the platform, and I rushed to squeeze onto the crowded train before the doors closed. At this point, I would like to thank the six people who just stepped one foot inside of the doors and stopped,  instead of walking into the open spaces by the seats (forcing me to squeeze in and do my best ‘pancake” impression to avoid the closing door). Thanks and well done. Just continue to read your AMNewYork while I struggle with my bags in my one-foot- square space.

So as the train pulls away, I try to rearrange my belongings so that I can avoid leaning on the guy next to me. A woman taps me on the shoulder, points, and says, “Look, your scarf”. I immediately assume she is complimenting me on my lovely, blue scarf, but instead, she was pointing out that my lovely blue scarf was caught in the subway door (i still think she liked the scarf). So I laugh and try to pull the scarf out to no avail, since the doors on the subway close as tight as a bear trap. “I’ll just get it out at the next stop”, I tell the helpful lady, and I go back to what I was doing.

All of a sudden, panic strikes me when I realize that one end of the scarf is tied in a knot around my neck, and the other end of the scarf is dangling outside of the moving subway car. If the scarf outside of the subway gets caught on something, it could rip my head off. Literally. This is bad.

So I drop all of the bags I’m holding and untie my scarf as fast as I can. Thanks to my cat-like reflexes, I was able to remove the scarf  before my head popped off and rolled across the subway car (how terrifying would that have been for the people in my car? Serves them right for not moving away from the doors). At the next stop, I took the scarf out of the door, and continued on with my day.

I don’t like to use the word “Hero” often, but I think it applies in this situation.

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Holy Crap - a plane crashed into the Hudson

Sunday, January 18th, 2009

First, I can’t believe a plane crashed into the Hudson river. Second, I can’t believe everyone survived. I was away for an extended weekend, so I missed all of the media coverage, but this a freaking amazing story. It’s one of the rare times in my life that I’m craving more media coverage of an event.

Personally, I always thought that the flotation devices on large airplanes were purely for show (i.e. to give the passengers something to do as they plummet to their deaths) but apparently planes can land on water. Who knew? Well, I guess that pilot knew. Are more crashing airplanes going to attempt water landings in the future? I really don’t know the stats, but it seems whenever a plane crashes in the middle of a cornfield, people don’t walk away from it. Maybe water is the way to go (if you’re crashing, of course, you might want to aim for an airport if your engines are still intact, since passengers seem to prefer it).

It also probably helped that the plane crashed in the Hudson River next to Manhattan, as opposed to a random river in the middle of nowhere. There are about ten different ferries on the Hudson at any given moment and that really sped up the plane evacuation. So make a note, if your plane is going down, mention to the pilot to crash in a highly trafficked river.

The crazy thing is that this story should probably make me less worried, because all of the people survived. But it definitely makes me more worried. Stupid geese.

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Posted in Ramblings | No Comments »

My first video chat on skype

Wednesday, January 14th, 2009

As I mentioned a few days ago, I just bought a little 10″ Eee PC that I am genuinely very happy with. Whether or not I actually need it is up for debate, frankly,  I just wanted a new toy. I’ve probably spent more time talking about it than I have actually using it. I especially like picking up other people’s laptops and saying, “Oh, this is soooo heavy and huge, how do you deal?” This is partly because I’m a pompous ass, and partly because it’s true. Use a netbook for a hour and then sit with a normal-sized laptop on your lap - it feels like you’re using Zach Morris’s cellphone, just comically large and outdated. That’s not to say that staring at my tiny 10″ inch screen won’t make me go blind within the year, it more than likely will, but at least I’ll look cool doing it.

Anyway, I had my first video chat with my parents (to whom I gave a 10″ MSI Wind netbook for Christmas) on Skype. I gave them the netbook almost solely because I figured, at the very least, they would enjoy videochatting with me and my sister (who lives across the country in Portland, Oregon). My sister has a baby on the way, and since my parents live in New Jersey and won’t be able to “see” the baby that often, they can at least see it (I meant him, it’s not an “it”, it’s a him, I’ve been told) in this very Jetson-esque setting.

So my parents and I video-chatted away, both of us giddy to be using our new futuristic toys. This led to the highlight of the chat - my parents showing me the new toilet they installed in their bathroom. Seriously. It’s one of those dual-flush models (one flush size for #1, one flush size for #2) and it will save them money on water bills, plus it’s better for the environment, plus it has a seat that lowers automatically, which is better because it doesn’t slam and wake people up if you pee in the middle of the night, plus . . . (and on, and on they went as I stared at the screen in disbelief).

So years of technological breakthroughs, free software, and the purchase of two new computers culminated in this: Me staring at a toilet, via the Internet.

Isn’t technology grand?

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That crashing sound you hear - it’s rents dropping all over the city

Monday, January 12th, 2009

I started my annual search for a new apartment (I’ve looked the last two years and ended up staying in the safe, rent-stabilized, glorified-dorm room that is my apartment), by viewing three different 2 BR’s in the East Village / Lower East Side area, and let me tell you, it’s a good time to rent. The struggling economy has lowered rents by $500 - $800 per month. All three apartments we saw were no fee, and two of them offered “one month’s free rent” (What?, I practically had to beg people to show me an apartment 12 months ago, and now they’re giving away free rent). Landlords are absolutely TERRIFIED about the economy. The broker practically offered me a free reach-around if I would just rent an apartment from him (no thanks sir, I’m holding out for a better offer).

So the moral of the story is, if you have a stable job and some money in the bank, it might be a good time to upgrade your digs.  I plan to buy a monocle and top hat and act extremely condescending to all the brokers/landlords I meet (”Dance for me, peasants, it amuses me). Because apparently I’m the only person left in the city who has a job.

The only thing left to decide is whether it’s time to leave Manhattan (Nooooo!!!) and make the jump to Brooklyn for more space, or take advantage of the bad economy and get a slightly smaller, livable space in the city. The places we looked at tonight weren’t huge, but they were substantially bigger than places in that price range last year. The search continues . . .

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Posted in Only in New York City | 2 Comments »

Just bought an Eee PC

Sunday, January 11th, 2009

So Christmas came a little late this year, but today I bought myself an Eee PC. It’s a tiny little computer with a 10″ inch screen for under $400 . And it is awesome. And now I am so much cooler than you because I own one.

I spent about an hour in J&R debating between the Eee and the MSI Wind.  I actually purchased a Wind for my parents for Christmas and have been recommending it to everyone I know. But for some reason, in the store, I really liked the higher screen and mousepad of the Eee, despite that fact that the Wind is slightly lighter and has longer battery life (and was higher rated by the those people on the Internet).

I kinda feel like I betrayed all of the people i recommended the Wind to (Suckers!), but honestly, they’re pretty much the same computer. That didn’t stop me from asking every salesperson in the store for their recommendation (they were not helpful at all, and seemed somewhat annoyed I was asking them questions. I’m sorry for disturbing you and trying to buy a $400 item from your store) and making my girlfriend do type tests on both models (Ok, now type the same thing on this one).

By the way, the aisle with the little netbook computers was packed.  If J&R made an announcement that only 2 computers were left, I think a riot would have broken out (and I would’ve been the first person throwing down). Wall to wall people deciding what mini computer to buy. Not sure if that’s a good sign for the economy (a lot of people were shopping) or a bad one (they were all packed in the aisle with the cheapest possible computers), but it’s definitely something (Or not, what the hell do I know).

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Posted in I'm a geek | 1 Comment »

Took a rushhour bus to New Jersey, and was reminded why I refuse to live there.

Thursday, January 8th, 2009

The bus ride itself, to my brother’s place in North Bergen NJ, was only about 25 minutes (which I guess isn’t exactly quick considering it’s only a few miles away). But taking a subway to get to the Port Authority, then fighting through the rush hour crowds, then waiting in line to buy a ticket (and switching lines because a ticket machine breaks), then waiting in line for the bus, and then finally crowding onto the bus, every seat taken and people standing in the aisle. Aaarrgghhh!!! It just makes you insane.

People who visit New York City and people who live in New Jersey or Long Island (and occasionally come into the City), always ask me, “How can you live there, it’s so hectic and chaotic? I can never do that.” And the answer is: It’s a lot less hectic and chaotic if you actually live here. My commute to work is 25 minutes door-to-door. I don’t have to drive a car or sit in traffic. I walk to a subway, bring a book with me (or grab a free newspaper) and read on the train. I can order delivery from literally hundreds of restaurants (actually, one of the more stressful parts of my day is figuring out what to eat for dinner every night). It’s something that I noticed about a month after I first moved to the City. Everything slows down once you live here.

What most people don’t realize is that a large portion of the exhaustion, stress, and frustration of “Visiting New York City” comes from the “Visiting” aspect and not the “New York City” aspect. When you just visit/commute here, everything is hectic because:

  1. It’s a pain to get in and out of Manhattan.
  2. You don’t have a place to relax nearby, so you’re constantly on your feet, walking around.
  3. You tend to go to annoyingly-crowded tourist areas such as Times Square and Rockefeller Center (either by choice, in the case of  tourists, or as part of your commute).

When you actually live here, all 3 of those things go away. Everything slows down. If you’re in a stressful situation, you’re only a few minutes away from sitting on your couch and watching bad TV.

I’m not going to say that New York City life is without stress (it’s alarming how much less patient I am since I moved here), but it’s a great place to live once you get here.

Plus, New Jersey smells.

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One order of Sushi - Three sets of chopsticks.

Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

Is it a sign I am ordering too much sushi at once when they give me three (3!) sets of chopsticks when I order by myself. I think the delivery guy was secretly laughing at me and calling me a fat American. For the record, I only ordered two rolls - one large, one regular - so it’s a little insane they gave me three sets. It must have been a mistake. Although, I must admit that the rolls at Yuka are so ginormous, that I always feel like I’m getting ripped off when I order from somewhere else (What? You mean I can fit the whole roll in my mouth? That’s bullshit, send it back!). Yuka .  .  . good enough to be programmed in my cellphone.

Mmmmm .  .  .  Hiro Maki Roll (Also, weird side note, if you google “Hiro Maki Roll“, the first four choices are all Yuka. I guess the secret’s out).

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Posted in Mmmm . . . Food | No Comments »

The three little kittens lost their mittens . . .

Tuesday, January 6th, 2009

Yeah, so I manged to lose my new wool hat somewhere in my travels today (which for my rockstar lifestyle entails: apartment, subway,work, subway, apartment). This marks the third time in about 4 weeks I lost a hat, scarf, or gloves for no apparent reason. It’s getting to the point that I should just buy them in bulk from Costco. I can put a hat dispenser near my front door and just wear each one until I lose it.

Or maybe I need to start pinning them to my jacket with directions to my house, like a developmentally-challenged child. At this point, these  are my only options. The life-span of a hat in my possession is about 2 weeks and dropping.

I thought I hit a low point three weeks ago when I managed to accidentally leave my scarf in Burlington Coat Factory while coat shopping (it was too cold and I was too lazy to go back and get it). And I didn’t even buy a coat! So my net output for my shopping trip was negative-1 scarf. Although I do wonder what happened to the scarf. Do you think they tried to re-sell it? Burlington Coat Factory does sell random items it buys in bulk from other stores, and it’s the kind of place that could have one of something. I like to think the mimimum-wage stockboy wandered around in confusion for about 45 minutes trying to figure out what to do with the scarf, then just hid it somewhere so he didn’t have to deal with it (and this will go on and on for eternity).

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Watched “Vision Quest” and “Casino Royale” in the same day - way too much ball humor to go around.

Monday, January 5th, 2009

Let’s start with Vision Quest, the homoerotic journey of a wrestler and his balls trying to beat the 3-time state champ from a rival high school. There must be about 45 shots of “packages” in the climatic wrestling match alone (seriously, are high school wrestlers barred from wearing underwear? Is that in the rulebook? Is there a competitive advantage to going commando?). I can’t get the images out of my head. There were balls everywhere. Everyone in the room watching the movie was either doubled-over laughing, or had a blank, “I can’t believe this is happening / Are we really watching this?” expression on their face. If only the attention put into the ball shots went into character development. We learn the main character’s best friend is an American Indian, then we learn he’s just pretending to be an American Indian (who knows why?), then we learn the fake American Indian’s dad is a drunk, all in about a 45-second period. None of these topics is ever brought up again for the rest of the movie. Well done.

As for Casino Royale, in a climatic torture scene, James Bond has his balls repeatedly whipped with what can only be described as an anatomically-correct dildo attached to a long rope. I really didn’t see that one coming. I guess in an attempt to make the James Bond series, “more realistic” the filmmakers decided to trade “comically-easy-to-escape situations”  for “borderline S&M ball-whipping scenes”. I’m not so sure that was a trade up. Do we really want to watch James Bond sit though an extended ball-rehab while his love-interest has to wait for him to recover (and yes, this actually happens in the movie)? Well, anyway, after sitting through Vision Quest, the ball jokes were flying from all angles, and this scene just couldn’t be taken seriously.

Okay, I’m gonna go gouge my eyes out (and put on a cup, because apparantly, you never know what might happen).

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Posted in Movie Reviews | No Comments »

The Real Housewives of New York City

Sunday, January 4th, 2009

I think I reached a new TV lowpoint in my life when I recorded the reunion episode of The Real Housewives of New York City. That show is a complete train wreck and I actively dislike every character on the show (actually, the square-faced-one is pretty funny with her random sarcastic comments) . The women on the show represent everything I hate about New York: Annoying people with too much money, acting like they are superior to us commoners.

And yet, like viewing an actual train wreck, I can’t seem to divert my eyes. I just sit there and focus my hate at the TV, getting angrier by the minute, until I end up yelling random expletives. My girlfriend kept ducking her head into the room and asking, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you what you said?”

“No, I wasn’t talking to you, I was just yelling at the people in the TV.”

This can’t be healthy.

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Posted in Pop Culture | No Comments »