Mmmm . . . Swedish meatballs.

On June 18, 2008 at 9 a.m. the first IKEA in the New York City limits will open its doors in Red Hook. And the suburbs slowly continue to creep into the city. The community of Red Hook protested the opening for several years, but the lure of furniture with funny names and the taste of Swedish meatballs proved too enticing. Despite the community outroar (a combination of outcry and uproar), big business won out and the store was eventually approved by the city zoning commission.

The grand opening of IKEA is set for Wednesday morning, complete with prizes for the first customers in line. According to the IKEA website:

"Customers can begin lining up at IKEA Brooklyn at 9:00 AM on Monday morning, June 16, 2008 - in advance of our June 18, 2008 opening."

Really? Can we? Oh thank heaven. Before I get to my thoughts on IKEA entering the city, I think we need to discuss this whole "camping out for the opening of an IKEA" idea. Personally, I hate waiting in line for anything, but waiting in line for several days? In an IKEA parking lot? That sounds awful. For those who need further evidence, here's my full list of the pros and cons of camping out for the opening of an IKEA:

Pros:

1. Pro: You'll get free stuff. People love free stuff. Obviously this is the main selling point. IKEA sent out a press release detailing the following prizes:
   
   
   • First 35 adults on line get an EKTORP sofa
   • Next 100 adults will receive a POÄNG chair;
   • First 100 children (under 18) will receive a Fanning, a soft toy in the shape of a heart;
   • And the first 2500 people through the door will be handed a gift card for values between $10 and $250 or vouchers for a free cinnamon bun, hotdog or frozen yogurt.
   
   So the prizes are relatively generous. An EKTORP sofa retails for $399, which is a decent reward for sitting still for a few days (it pays more than watching The Price is Right while crumbs of Doritos fall on your chest). Of course, your apartment would NEED a sofa of those exact dimensions to make this worthwhile. It's not like getting a free watch that you can stash in a drawer if you don't want to wear it: a sofa is quite large. I guarantee at least 2 of the 35 people winning a free sofa didn't fully think through their plan. I guess that's how ebay stays in business.
   
   
2. Pro: You'll probably get on TV. If there's anything Americans love more than free stuff, it's getting on TV. Why else would people have their embarassments broadcast to millions on reality TV shows? Do people really want to marry Flava Flav? That's more of a punishment than a prize. Anyway, every news channel is guaranteed to be sending out at least one reporter to interview the people on line. This is usually reserved for the news anchor with the least experience, the person they like to send out in the middle of a hurricane to demonstrate the fact that it's windy (it's a hurricane - we understand it's windy, for the love of god get inside and away the flying debris). Real news anchors wouldn't approach this group of IKEA fans without a Biohazard suit on. Also, the crowd members never have anything interesting to say. They usually just recount how long they've been waiting and what they've been doing to pass the time. Whenever a news story revolves around people finding ways to pass the time, you know it has to be good.

Cons:

1. Con: Camping outside on concrete for two nights. I don't think this needs further explanation. I enjoy camping, but not in a majestic IKEA parking lot.
   
   
2. Con: Mind-numbing boredom. 2 solid days of sitting around in the 90-degree weather with nothing to do and nowhere to go. It's like prison without the rape. And how many games of Rummy 500 can you play before you want to gouge your own eyes out? Of course, you can make friends with the other people on line . . .
   
   
3. Con: Having to spend two days hanging out with people who are willing to wait in line for the grand opening of an IKEA. Are these the type of people you want to associate with? Even though you are camping out as well, wouldn't you still view the people around you as losers with apparently nothing else going on in their lives? I think you would. I compare this irony to every time I end up at a meat-market type of bar. In a strange way, I wouldn't want to date the type of person who goes to a meat-market bar, even though I am there as well and that's where it's easiest to meet people (or maybe I'm over thinking this). There's a good chance that last sentence didn't make any sense.
   
   
4. Con: Forced to re-evaluate your life because you spent two days waiting in line for the grand opening of an IKEA. Where do you go from here? How little do you value your time? Do you tell this story to people at parties or pretend it never happened, burying it deep inside your subconscious? How will people judge you differently if they know you did this? There are many questions that you may not be ready to deal with at this juncture in your life. Consider this before eyeing up that free sofa.

So let's just say I'll pass on camping out. As far as the community impact, let's break that down into pros and cons as well.

Pros:

1. Pro: Creates Jobs. A store this large brings in about 500 jobs or so into the community. Granted, most of the retail jobs are the highest paid in the world, but they are jobs nonetheless.
   
   
2. Pro: Ability to get cheap, apartment-sized furniture easily. IKEA makes affordable, compact furniture suited for small apartments. This is a huge issue considering the shoe boxes most young city-dwellers call apartments. Currently, IKEA has three store in the metro area (gotta love New York): two in New Jersey, one in Long Island. However, none of these stores is easily accessible by public transit, and let's face it, who wants to go to New Jersey or Long Island to get an end table (or, frankly, for any other reason)? Recently, I was looking to buy small, simple chair from IKEA for my apartment but I didn't want to trek out to the suburbs to get it. Instead, I ordered the chair from IKEA online, and the next day they emailed me a shipping estimate: for my $99 chair, the shipping charge was an additional $110.88 (their shipping system is ridiculously archaic, you have to wait 24 hours for an estimate, and I'm pretty sure they just enter in the size and weight into a UPS shipping calculator). I decided to pass on the chair based on principal alone. With an IKEA in the city, now poor young New Yorkers can actually get stuff to sit on (Goodbye, six-year-old futon. Hello, brand new futon).
   
   
3. Pro: Improved transportation. Besides residents of Red Hook, nobody ever goes there (I've never been). Red Hook is isolated from the rest of Brooklyn by the expressways surrounding the area and it has no subway stops. In New York City, if your area doesn't have a subway stop, you might as well not exist. In an attempt get people to the store, IKEA is running a free water taxi from Manhattan to the store's very own pier, running free shuttles from the nearest subway stops, and extending existing bus lines in the area. People can use the new transportation methods to get to Red Hook, even if they don't want to go to IKEA. And as a result . . .
   
   
4. Pro: A lot more people will be coming to Red Hook. Presumably, this will help raise housing values, give small businesses more customers (unless they sell furniture, in which case, they're screwed), and generally raise the profile of the neighborhood.

Which brings us to the Cons:

1. Con: A lot more people will be coming to Red Hook. Observant readers may notice this "con" is the same as the last "pro". Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Many Red Hook residents don't want an influx of people coming to their sleepy, little neighborhood. Traffic congestion will increase, rents may go up, and outsiders with Swedish meatball breathe will be wandering the cobblestone streets.
   
   
2. Con: These big box stores tend to travel in packs. A successful chain store is the first step to your neighborhood becoming a glorified shopping mall. Every New Yorker fears waking up one day to find their neighborhood has become as dull and lifeless as the suburbs. Parents tell their children scary stories (while sitting around the fake fireplace in their apartment) about the evil suburban chains slowly oozing in the city and sucking the life out of everything unique. Soon Applebee's and TGI Friday's will be the best food the city has to offer. Shiver.

Overall, I don't think the IKEA in Red Hook is a bad idea, since it fills a vital niche in city living. It's in a rarely trafficked corner of Brooklyn, and since the store borders the water on most sides, it's not right in the middle of a neighborhood (which the awful Atlantic Yards project will be). I don't think this will ruin Red Hook and the people it attracts to the area should have a positive impact on small business.

Or maybe I'm wrong and this is the beginning of the end for Red Hook. Who knows? Either way, I want an end table for $7.

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